writing learning story

               Zion Journey Towards Life

Talofa lava. O lou igoa o Siona Tulima. Ou te 10 tausaga. Ou te fea i loa pe e te fea loa a’u.

So let me take it back to 2007 the 14th of July at the hospital of Lower Hutt. At 1:56 am a beautiful world was transformed as two strangers looked so happy with a really huge grin towards my face. But I just went “Haha to wahhh

When my grandmother came, she raced to me and a whole lot of happy tears came bursting out of her eyes. 

Four years of spoiling me, my mum now has another baby which I was afraid of. Less spoiling of me and more to her (as if she was the famous one and I retired………….)

So I am Samoan as you can tell and also I am Tongan which I found out last week. I don’t think you’ll believe me but I am German from my great great grandfather’s wife. I wonder if she was a survivor when Adolf Hitler’s eruption happened. I think this is quite amazing because I never thought I would be part European and she would be such a popular Survivor.

I like acting as a really funny person and changing my tune. My inspirer is the one and only Tofiga from the Laughing Samoans. My other talent is netball. Yes, and I got a trophy for the most valuable player. Another talent is fading, making a failure of my grandpa's dream which was me to be like my mum as a champ.

Something else which is quite amazing is a true Manu Samoa legend

Seilala Mapusua is my mum's cousin which is basically my uncle. He has the same last name as my mum, and I want to follow in his footsteps as he said to me “Whatever dream you have, reach those steps you are dreaming of”

Problem:how do we communicate information in an interesting way

I was really good at using a hook to bring them in and to make them be interested

I got better at making my title interesting

It was hard for me to use adjectives

I need to work on creating beginning middle and an end

Feedback:

You are a very clever writer Zion! You are really brave about choosing to try and share your ideas in interesting ways. Make sure to check that each of your sentences makes sense for your reader. You have organized your ideas into paragraphs really well.

You have a great beginning and ending. You have also shared your ideas like you are chatting with your reader.