The Beginning of a Death
On the 31st of October,1974 the event named Halloween started, when
people dressed
up as demons, skeletons, and witches. But one girl named Bella who was the age of 15
Bella lived with her mum and her little brother. For Halloween, she just wore a cardigan
and a pair of jeans and she had no shoes on. All she wanted was lollies and her friends
wanted some too.
From the corner of Bella’s eye, she saw a rusty gate which said Do Not Pass, but Bella
just ran in without knowing that her friends weren’t beside her. She walked past these
dark, elder trees that had unknown species. She was scared and so she ran towards a
beach and said “Can anyone hear me” I’m scared” she whispered. The time was 4:00am
in the morning so she got some strips from a palm tree and made it as a blanket and made
a pillow made out of the sand.
Bella woke up inside a bottle! A man appeared dressed up as a wizard and said:
“You have 2 hours to live”.Suddenly sand raised up inch by inch and she couldn’t breathe
properly. She got by the waves on the sea. She got literally hit real hard banging her head
on the bottle and the sand was half way on her body. She felt like there was no oxygen
left and the sand was all she could see when she kept on looking down. The sand was up
to her chin and she just died cause she couldn’t breathe and the sand just reached her head
and she wasn’t able to be seen.
My strengths:
What is happening in your story is exciting
An orientation where you introduce your character and ending
Use of paragraphs
Precisely focused words to make a picture in my readers head
My next steps:
Use of simple sentences for impact
Make sure each of my has a capital letter at the beginning and a full stop at
the end
Check each sentence makes sense
On the 31st of October,1974 the event named Halloween started, when
people dressed
up as demons, skeletons, and witches. But one girl named Bella who was the age of 15
Bella lived with her mum and her little brother. For Halloween, she just wore a cardigan
and a pair of jeans and she had no shoes on. All she wanted was lollies and her friends
wanted some too.
From the corner of Bella’s eye, she saw a rusty gate which said Do Not Pass, but Bella
just ran in without knowing that her friends weren’t beside her. She walked past these
dark, elder trees that had unknown species. She was scared and so she ran towards a
beach and said “Can anyone hear me” I’m scared” she whispered. The time was 4:00am
in the morning so she got some strips from a palm tree and made it as a blanket and made
a pillow made out of the sand.
Bella woke up inside a bottle! A man appeared dressed up as a wizard and said:
“You have 2 hours to live”.Suddenly sand raised up inch by inch and she couldn’t breathe
properly. She got by the waves on the sea. She got literally hit real hard banging her head
on the bottle and the sand was half way on her body. She felt like there was no oxygen
left and the sand was all she could see when she kept on looking down. The sand was up
to her chin and she just died cause she couldn’t breathe and the sand just reached her head
and she wasn’t able to be seen.
My strengths:
What is happening in your story is exciting
An orientation where you introduce your character and ending
Use of paragraphs
Precisely focused words to make a picture in my readers head
My next steps:
Use of simple sentences for impact
Make sure each of my has a capital letter at the beginning and a full stop at
the end
Check each sentence makes sense
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