“How do we create a moment in time so our audience feels like they are there with us?”
The Smallest Group With The Biggest Hearts
I am walking towards the left side of Hosanna Hall. Walking backstage hearing the thundering sound of the audience. Just watching the Cook Island Group dancing so smoothly along the stage. I can feel the butterflies starting to begin flying up making my nervousness even worse but I'm trying to forget about them. It is so difficult because I am so nervous.
As I am walking on the stage I see 100+ people staring at me as if I was to star in the group, Seeing the light shining upon my face is distracting but I am forcing myself to keep smiling, As I stand still I am taking a big breath. Then the confidence in me is so strong, E Otua tolu fa. As I am singing I am thinking not to muck up. I am looking towards the audience and the encouragement that they are doing makes me smile as big as a planet. Now we have finished our performance. It's time for the girls to perform their beautiful dance and I am trying to remember the words for my lead. Then I just look at the girls dance. The shiny oil on their skin is reflecting to the lights. Which was making them look like they are jewels.They finish and then the audience sounds even louder than before. As I walk on the stage we haven't even started but the audience is cheering loud as an aeroplane
It is now time to walk off the stage. As I'm walking off.I see my family smiling and looking directly at me and my head. I feel so proud of myself and us and so confident to do anything in the future.M y aunt said me I am part Tongan which is quite amazing
Strengths
Great title
Original smiles that make a really good picture in your readers head eg the girls were like jewels
Good choice of precisely focused words eg distracting, shiny smoothly, thundering
Next Steps
Stick with present tense (it needs to be happening now) No looked was felt
Correct use of full stops (you’ve used commas instead)
The Smallest Group With The Biggest Hearts
I am walking towards the left side of Hosanna Hall. Walking backstage hearing the thundering sound of the audience. Just watching the Cook Island Group dancing so smoothly along the stage. I can feel the butterflies starting to begin flying up making my nervousness even worse but I'm trying to forget about them. It is so difficult because I am so nervous.
As I am walking on the stage I see 100+ people staring at me as if I was to star in the group, Seeing the light shining upon my face is distracting but I am forcing myself to keep smiling, As I stand still I am taking a big breath. Then the confidence in me is so strong, E Otua tolu fa. As I am singing I am thinking not to muck up. I am looking towards the audience and the encouragement that they are doing makes me smile as big as a planet. Now we have finished our performance. It's time for the girls to perform their beautiful dance and I am trying to remember the words for my lead. Then I just look at the girls dance. The shiny oil on their skin is reflecting to the lights. Which was making them look like they are jewels.They finish and then the audience sounds even louder than before. As I walk on the stage we haven't even started but the audience is cheering loud as an aeroplane
It is now time to walk off the stage. As I'm walking off.I see my family smiling and looking directly at me and my head. I feel so proud of myself and us and so confident to do anything in the future.M y aunt said me I am part Tongan which is quite amazing
Strengths
Great title
Original smiles that make a really good picture in your readers head eg the girls were like jewels
Good choice of precisely focused words eg distracting, shiny smoothly, thundering
Next Steps
Stick with present tense (it needs to be happening now) No looked was felt
Correct use of full stops (you’ve used commas instead)
